overdose d iscrepancies of shock:treatment

By sIo

(requested repost)





one hundred different ways to tell you that i tried
as i lined myself with burning flesh
stripping my stomach like ammonia soaked wallpaper walls
waiting for the stench of the fumes to take me down
yet with the evidence that i was alive i took myself down
foamless and regurgitating the events that took place
nothing made it all go away
it all just came c r a s h i n g

down

the silence was what killed…
my sentencing, my punishment, my pain
all for me and my straightjacket mind
a gurney for the stretch of time it took to realize…
if i wanted to die before, now i could only plead with death
bribery that would simply take my body
so my soul could linger and wail

imagine if you can, an institute of decay
more alive than the floors and wood mattresses
but mimicking the attempt at a cancerous state
pulling together and feeding off each other
building to consume and wipe out
with the strategic ways of a dust bunny

4 a.m.

vital signs

the screeching, screaming
the yelling, howling
twenty-four hour suicide watch
banging and thumping because the lights are too bright
and it’s stabbing at your nerves like a coat hanger
s c r a t c h i n g
like flies and needles

in my sanctuary of plastic pillows and hospital blankets
hidden eyes and forget-me-nots
because in there all i could do was remember
tracing the purple veins on my arms
where they’re collapsed and bruised
into a cloudy storm of sensitivity and puke green splotches
from then on i held my arms to myself

it was safer that way
in fact if i’d had it my way
i’d have sat in my room bound to a chair for hours
but i had to hear every little thing…
the stories
the drugs
the gangbangs

the cutters, oh god the cutters
shifty eyed and routinely walking
homicidal, suicidal, nymphomaniacs
so when the toilets broke
no one asked who did it
they just picked up the pieces and

sliced

lockdown for two days
and you won’t believe how long a minute can feel
when you don’t even know when it’s passed
blank walls and barred windows
air may as well have been our marijuana
we just wanted to inhale it all whenever we could get it
if we could get it

in single file lines, off unit restriction
on level three
in a clogged shower with mildew stains
lice infested roommates and bipolar patients
abusive staff and rough nurses
ignorant doctors and a shot glass of soap

if i’d known as i watched the filthy water slide in circles
down the spider eyed drain at the center of my cubical ecstasy
that in one hundred ways i had fucked up
in one hundred minutes i was already damaged
in the blink of an eye i had just begun…

inside myself we could play house
and i’d be the mommy
i’d smile and take care of you

outside of myself we could play doctor
and i’d be the patient.
but i’m afraid doc
that i’m too eager to die
so let me smile and take care of you
and i’ll keep my hands from myself

 

Unauthorized Copying Is Prohibited. Ask the author first.
Copyright 2009 Joanna Smith
Published on Tuesday, November 17, 2009.     Filed under: "Personal" and "Poetry"
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Comments on "overdose d iscrepancies of shock:treatment"

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  • Cassette On Wednesday, November 8, 2017, Cassette (1191)By person wrote:

    yes, haunting is the right word, I think.

  • LordColdwater On Friday, January 6, 2017, LordColdwater (35)By person wrote:

    This is indescribably terrifying. The waking nightmare of dispassionate institutionalized "care." The water in my veins, the carbon in my bones, I'm weeping right down to my chromosomes.

  • OLd SouL On Friday, May 25, 2012, OLd SouL (734)By person wrote:

    feel uncomfortable reading this.. not that its suppose to be comfortable.. not at all.. but more uncomfortable because you were in a place or state of mind to write this. makes me want to build a new landscape for your mind to wander through, full of eye candy and reassuring beings.

  • A former member wrote: it tore at my brain it made me believe in the feeling i felt the flow as if i was apart of it this really brought it self out and made me think i really love this, this is a very great poem thank you

  • UnrequitedDream On Tuesday, November 17, 2009, UnrequitedDream (30)By person wrote:

    midway through i had a sudden flashback...its haunting. deja' vu' to say the least. incredibly well written, i am absolutely in love with this. well done...

  • Spiritus_Frumenti On Tuesday, November 17, 2009, Spiritus_Frumenti (338)By person wrote:

    fuck i love this. it was so touching and flawless in its delivery. this poem could have gone for hours and it wouldn't matter. "the silence was what killed..." just fucking amazing...-l-

  • A former member wrote: Definitely a real expose on the harsh realities of life in a harsh place with your life left in harsh hands. Great write!


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