Her Frenzy in Heroin Land

So you sit there screaming, begging, bargaining, and crying. Stop crying! All those threats, like you would even carry them out. Checking the calls, the wallet, searching the pickup as he sleeps. You even tried that sad attempt at following him that one time. All along in such a panic you would be seen that you never realized that you could have been a danger to yourself. Hell I think you were and to all those around you as well. Running on the emotions that you so let drive your every reaction. How you let him dictate that roller coaster you ride. Why do you allow yourself to be so wrapped up in a life that isn’t yours? I don’t care if you love him, that is not an excuse for acting like you are…

His life, his choice. Who fucking cares if he loves the needle. Don’t you get it? Can’t you even begin to see? He is a product of his own design. It might be his demise, sadly. For all that love you say you have. You missed time stuck in that obsession. The better of times in anger, frustration, in this need to…

I am sorry he promised to be done. It isn’t that easy. It can’t be for you, to save what was your past together. It must be for him, a chance at his future. He so has to see that he is worth more then a needle. That pain that rides sometimes to sweetly with it. That he is worth more then a bag with that stamp of death on it. That he isn’t defined by the scars so littering his body. And until he does, until he does, you just pray. With each breath in him there is still a chance. There is hope. Even if what you see is surely death. How can it be living, hiding like that…

He tried, and it won this time. It was relentless, it screamed and inflicted this pain that overrides all the senses, all reason. Nothing but nothing is more important in them moments then stopping the pain, and those feelings. Reality isn’t all that pretty when life passed by in years with nothing in the way of dealing. To stuff and lock everything inside away in that falseness the drug creates. Oh god that euphoria isn’t even there anymore. The pain still trickles in mentally, yet just to have some relief, any, from the physical that so eats you from the inside out.

What a danger he is to himself now. He had that kick going pretty damn strong. So close to the subsiding. You saw it. Ugly isn’t it? I bet you never imagined that you would witness that in this life. How was that hallucinating? You mean you didn’t know that could happen? That shaking doesn’t end does it? The chills and the blankets on, with the sweats, with them goose bumps. Welcome to cold turkey! The legs never stop, and the pacing for hours. The screaming, the pleading, the vomit, the shit, him trying to tear his skin off! Oh, that’s them spiders in the blood…

Night was the worst wasn’t it? Bet you are back to being a child and afraid of the dark again. This will haunt, I promise you. Never again will you be the same. Now you know and it hurts. It tore apart your whole existence. It changed you. Into what I am not sure yet. It will be up to you and your perception as to what you become. This could be the most wonderful thing you ever witnessed. Yes it really could be. Yet, it could be something that leaves you dead, broken in spirit and mind for years to come.

Looking back it was perfect wasn’t it? He was this presence that so brought joy to your life. Together you both made a pretty good team, and the love was true. It was, you felt it. It didn’t even leave, madness just took over, showed hell. Please listen, my turn to maybe beg. Remember he is still there, somewhere. He hurt himself more then anything. I know you don’t see that, but you can. Once you let go of your addiction, control.

In my head it might be the worst out there. Not only do you get to fuck with all the lives around you so stuck in everything not yours. You totally lose ever bit of yourself in the process. I mean really when so focused on what isn’t ours we live in this false reality. How easy it is to not deal with our issues, our problems, what haunts us. Why would we have to. We have this great excuse, them. Why should we look at our behavior? Isn’t it obvious they are the ones who need help. Here they think that addicts are sick. That other side isn’t all that well.

Look at you, really look. How did you miss that you look as bad as him? When was the last time you slept? Have you eaten anything today or did you lose that time again? I know you can’t help wonder where it goes and why you keep forgetting things that are so important. When the mind takes over and if let free to run this is what happens. Morning is afternoon and then to night so quickly that you lose yourself to them,what ifs…

What if what? There aren’t even answers to that. There really isn’t suppose to be. The time is right now. This minute is important. You lost yesterday, so many yesterdays. They won’t be back. You can’t take any of it back. Feel, deal and let go. That tomorrow you got stuck in as well. Think hard what if it doesn’t come for you. What if it wasn‘t meant to be. Oh I can’t help ask about what you might regret. What you might wish you had never missed in this life…

Maybe I should explain. For as much as it was his choice to play that game. Yes it was a game, a party, nothing really more at the start. No one goes out with this care or thought that they will become an addict. It was your choice to react with insanity, to try to control what wasn’t yours. You made a conscious effort to save a life like you were god. Now that isn’t even possible. All the while who you needed to save was you. See if you would have took the time to learn, to educate yourself you wouldn’t be sitting here today like this. Even if still there, you wouldn’t be this mess you have become.

If only you could have taken all that energy you so gave to him and gave it to yourself. Now that would have a been a true gift…