dross

stupid boy
heart like
magnesium waits for a spark

curled toes
eyes shut tight
feelings like protected member

suicide notes are dross
because the feelings of the pre-suicidal are dross
i have the feeling that i cannot go on like this
i have the feeling
i have the feeling

stupid boy
how does one
become a man and what is it that bears the becoming
bear feelings like faceless children
that the mother denies the breast

these thoughts are jagged
and spring from wells as far
from each other as here from there
and everywhere are reminders of the self-destruct
that the she is to me

self-destruct like explosions of family tension at the dinner table
wrest and reduce like biting phone messages
suggest and deduce the meaning of things
and i really doubt that god sees or cares
or more accurately i assume that the nature of
the god of the mind of men is such that it is blind

i should shut my mouth and never speak
i should arrest my tongue and leave it lie flacid and useless like my cock
i should die horribly because i am not a good person
if i know you i have lied to you
if i know you i have lied to you

hurt
sometimes i hurt