Core

As I laugh in delight,
In the darkness of the night,
Awake, but not conscious,
Empty, yet capacious,
In awe of my pain.

Driven by fantasies,
Followed by catastrophes.
Courting good intention,
While leaning on satisfaction,
My smile is in vain.

Rehearsing my new scheme,
Waiting for a theme,
Wallowing in doubt,
Searching for an out,
Wishing I weren't sane.

When suddenly I know the end,
And hopelessly I twist and bend.
A lost last chance to honor sooth.
My illusion of truth,
Now slain.

If this was my desire,
I can't tell here in the fire.
Looking back I see misery and strife,
Who had been living my life?
The time I cannot regain.

Up and down, high and low,
Back and forth, above and below.
I fall to climb and climb to fall,
Baffled I begin to crawl,
And desperate I remain.