I Will Find Her Medicine

She wakes up.
Her nightmares kept her
confused. 
Why does it only happen,
when I am finally forgetting
the pain? she asks.
Whats this piercing through
my collar bone?
Why won't you take it away?

The kids wake up.
Their nightmares kept them
confused.
Why does it only happen,
when they are finally
getting good sleep? she asks.
Whats this noise in the air?
Why won't you take it all away?

I wake up.
No nightmares,
but no dreams either.
Why does this only happen,
when I am finally forgetting
the drugs? I ask.
What's this pain in my eyes?
Why won't you take it away?

I watch her.
Her arm hasn't much strength.
But there she is.
Feeding herself and the kids.
The kids look to her
the way I wish I had someone
to look at, growing up.

How can someone be a pillar of fire
and a sad worried mommy,
and child without parents to turn to,
at the same time?
I ask.

Why won't you take it away?
She's exhausted with exhaustion.
She's begging for deliverance.
She's scared of cancer,
of stupid doctors
and stupid documentation.
Of liars, and cheaters,
and the state of humanity.
The absolute state of it all.

I watch her.
and I see anguish
and I wish I could hug her
in a way that could take it all
and place it in a quiet safe space
within her, so she didn't have to show 
it and ask "why won't you take it away?"

She isn't weak.
But she is in pain.
She is strong.
But she is worried.

You won't take it away
and I know it now.
At least not all of it.
There's too many lessons
that could be missed.

We have to taste
the bitter of bones
to prize,
the sweetness of light.
We all have to endure.

But I watch her
and I can't help but wish
I could place all her worries
in a casket made of kisses.
Wave its final goodbye
with the rays petering through
the window panes.

I watch her
and I love her
and I love how deeply
she sees.
How earnestly
she strives.
How much she loves
even complete strangers.
I can't begin to express it,
but I know she was brought to me.

She brought me medicine
when I was but a wounded dog.
I didn't notice all the scars she hid
until she collapsed and exposed
her underbelly.

I will find her medicine.