Felix (letter 2, part 1)
I’m still alive.
My plan didn’t work…. I went to a supermarket, but I couldn’t buy the stuff I need. They’ll only sell it to you if you have a paper from a doctor now. So, here’s why I’m writing another letter:
I know this is a bit bizarre. It might get you in trouble and I certainly don’t want that. But…. I’d like to ask you if you could recommend me an alternative. Something that’s not painful and won’t make me dizzy – If I wanted that, I’d just take a lot of the meds they already give me. And It has to be something that doesn’t leave any traces on my body too.
I’m already killing someone’s child. At least I want to leave them something to bury. That’s the least I can do.
I need your help internet.
I’d also like to address a few things….
I’ve been reading comments under my original post, and some people said they’ll be praying for me. I Appreciate the intent but – I don’t like that. I don’t believe in your god(s) so why should your god(s) believe in me? I mean. If you’re like a Jew, Cristian or a Muslim for example, isn’t your god the one who gave me the cancer? Why would he take it away just because you pray for it? That’s stupid.
And some people have been sharing my work around. Don’t do that. Save it for someone who’ll live long enough to enjoy the attention.
My alarm sets off. It’s time for my pills. Mum set it up because I keep forgetting to take them. “Could you pause the game please Mallory?”
“Yeah, sure, sorry” Pouring water into a glass. My hands are really shaky today. I don’t even know if it’s because I’m feeling sick or if I’m nervous. Maybe having Mallory here wasn’t such a good idea. I take the pills and drink the water. “How do they taste?”
“Like licking a metal pipe. But everything tastes like that now. Even water” Oh, no.
“Yeah? – Because you didn’t put them into your mouth. Why didn’t you put them into your mouth?”
“Give me a chance before you freak out and tell everyone.”
“Ok, I can do that, go on.”
“I’m getting shots at the hospital already. There’s no point in these pills. They just make me feel like my whole body is full of needles.”
“Felix, you can die.”
“Yes, my doctor had already informed me.”
“Could you at least pretend you care?”
“I do care.”
“It doesn’t sound like that. Now it doesn’t even seem like it.”
“What would be the point in me weeping? It wouldn’t help anything. It would just make everyone around me more miserable. I don’t want that.” I think she’s getting into the angry stage of this argument.
“Ok, you won’t take the pills? I’ll take them instead. They can’t be that bad.”
“I’m not gi-“
“You can barely walk up the stairs, you’re not stopping me.” Mallory just forces my hand open. “You have them in your sleeves you little cheat!”
Gets them at last. “Look, I don’t think thi-“ She doesn’t listen. Just gets out of bed, pours herself a glass of water and theatrically gulps them. She even opens her mouth with her tongue stuck out as if to prove she’s not hiding them in her mouth somewhere. You wouldn’t want to do that. They taste terrible.
“See? It’s not that difficult. How about you have the next ones.”
How about we have that conversation in like ten minutes? “But what if I’ll die anyway? You’re all so set on the scenario in which I walk out of this alive. While I just want the time that may be all I have left here with you to be bearable. I’ve never stepped out of diet, I’ve never missed the shots, I’m taking all the other pills. Just these are particularly nasty.”
“Ok, I’m sorry, that was too far”
And it was stupid. You’ll realize that in a minute. “Can’t we just continue with the game? I don’t like having these conversations.”
“I’ve – It’s hard for me too.”
“I know that.”
“I just… I just want you to tell me that you love me.”
“You’re being a clique woman you know that? – always so touchy-feely.”
“Well then you’re being a clique man, always cold and stoic.”
“Of course I love you, if it ever changed, I promise you’d be first one to know. But it’s never going to change.” Mallory just jumps up all of the sudden and runs off to the bathroom. I can hear her vomiting. I’m not going to bother you there. I know how much you hate when I see you in these situations. Just do what you have to.