Felix (letter 1, part 1)
I came to say goodbye. Because - I’m dying of cancer.
If you feel sorry for me, you should probably know that I wanted to die since I was like…. Fourteen…. So, it’s not that much of a tragedy. My parents want me to take treatment but that’s costly and I don’t even want it. I want to fight this on its own terms. I don’t really care either way to be honest. I’m just sad for them. They’re good people. I don’t want to be taking their child away from them, but…. Don’t really have a say in that. I do have a plan, however. It’s not going to make things much better though.
Anyway, just wanted to say you’re an awesome place internet. I suppose I’m expected to also say I wished you weren’t so toxic and stuff, but, I don’t. Not really. I liked you the way you are. Sure, there were some bum moments, but it was a wild ride. Shame I never liked rollercoasters. I would have enjoyed it more.
I was thinking what my last wish would be – Because you get last wish when you’re dying right? Well, there’s no point in wishing to be successful or famous or rich or happy. I wouldn’t be here to enjoy it anyway. I’d wish to – not be dying of cancer. But that’d be a lie. I don’t particularly mind to be honest. Also, If I did wish that, then I wouldn’t be dying, and the wish wouldn’t count – but then I would, and the wish would count, so I wouldn’t again…. It’d just create an unnecessary confusion in the universe. I don’t want that. I’ve made enough mess already throughout my life.
Especially since I’ve started incubating cancer in myself.
I’m taking my parent’s child from them and I can’t even stop myself.
I love how creative you guys are. I really enjoyed memes. Please never stop making those. I also liked how free this place made me feel. And the drama of course. Drama was awesome. There are many people calling for the internet community to be more reasonable. Don’t. These people will always be out there. Let them do their thing. You just be yours. I too love how petty you guys can be. Like when this guy went on a protest and started scribbling on signs of people. Kicked a lady who was disagreeing with him and police just did nothing afterwards. Even though there was footage of everything…. And then you guys found him and got him fired. Am I a bad person for liking that? I don’t know…. I guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. I didn’t like how the same thing happened to that gal who was flying somewhere and just posted an edgy joke. Guess pettiness is a mixed bag.
That’s my wish. I wish you stayed the same. Just less corny over jokes you don’t like.
Sorry for being so ranty. I’m probably repeating myself a lot. I guess when you’re dying you don’t really want to end the conversation – Because then you must face the fact that you’re dying. It’s kinda like lonely people. Ranty people always seem so lonely. It’s ironic…. They’re so ranty because they don’t want to be alone, but then people avoid them because they’re ranty. It’s like how depressed people try to make others smile, and then no-one knows they’re depressed, so no-one helps them. Then they die all the sudden. And no-one expects it.
I wish no-one was sad when I go. So I guess that’s two wishes now. But it’s not for me so perhaps it’s ok.
It won’t happen though.
I don’t know what’s sadder – Knowing it won’t happen or if it did.
I don’t know.
This is stupid. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to write this. No-one even cares. Sorry for the cringe if anyone’s actually reading this. I just…. Wanted to say goodbye. I’m going to disappear. And leave nothing but tears behind. Tears in the eyes of those I loved. It’s just hard you know? I always knew I would die one day. Funny. I’ve felt as if I was having mid-life crisis since fourteen.
But it’s a lie. It wasn’t mid-life crisis. Because I’m not even twenty-eight.
Anyway, I’ll stop now. I want to play a few video games before I go.
Thank you for reading this manifesto of cringe.
I probably won’t be here anymore if you leave a comment, so sorry if I don’t respond. I’m not going to a better place, but I’m certainly going somewhere less sad.
Maybe we’ll meet there somewhen.
I don’t know if I event want to click post. *sigh* I might as well. Whatever. Someone’s walking up the stairs. Mom. She passes my room and goes to her bedroom. I can hear her. She’s just sitting on her bed trying not to cry again. It’s weird. I want to go and talk to her. But at the same time, I don’t. I guess I don’t want her to know that I know she’s crying. She has every right to cry. But she doesn’t want me to see her. She keeps saying that we’ll get through this and phrases like that. What a bunch of crap. I’d much rather if she cried so we can say our goodbyes before we part. But she’s having none of that.
“Mom?” The quiet sobbing stops. “Yes Honey?” “Can I have some money? I thought I’d go and buy some groceries.” She’s not very happy about that. “The Doctor said you should stay in bed and rest.” “I know but…. I’d like to go for a walk. Before they make me feel too sick to be able to. Plus, we’ve run out of bread.” “Ok, I’ll go with you. Just give me a minute to get ready.” No. “I don’t want you to go. I want to be alone for a while….” She obviously wants to argue about it…. But…. I guess she realizes I’ve got enough on my plate already. “…my wallet is in the living room. Buy some vegetables. And… Chocolate… If you want.” “Thank you.”