Distant Past affecting now (first almost first time - bi the bi)

It was different with women..
for me, there was either do it or not, no one that i was worried about failing...
being less than outgoing...money changed hands for the gruntwork of P-I-V
i want to think that the thing i love most, giving oral to women, waited for one of my few relationships

with this, the inconclusive nature of whither or not i am interested in giving oral to men, there is someone that i am either attracted to for himself or proximal to "Raven"...
likely proximal to "Raven" because that has happened before

i did come close once before on a visit to "Raven's" house with my "Porcelain doll" my then-wife... some time before november of 2003, perhapse?
with a previous boyfriend "tiger" of "Raven"s and "Raven" as well,
we talked and i dithered while my then-wife was in the next room, probably dreading the noise
i wanted this so bad i was crying
but i didn't have permission from my then-wife
and asking my ex-wife and forcing her to give permission/or not would have hurt her, even more than the trip did
i think that ex-wife was surprised it didn't happen,

(marriage means a lot more to me than it appears, promise/obligation/geas)

when Raven told me that she and tiger were no longer together

this is when i told my exwife that i wanted to divorce...

i called raven crying telling her i was free

she made me take porcelain doll back because i was crying...

you do what the love of your life tells you...
even if it kills you....

i didn't get a divorce until 2009, long after raven got married to her now husband that she met while she was living with my ex wife and i 2003-2004

porcelain doll made the mistake of letting me find out that she was snooping, i snooped, and found out that she was wanting a divorce...

Geas Conditions Lifted