shadows run through my blood like morphine (study of a life)

sometimes
i forget
i think
we all forget
exactly where it was
we came from
i forget
until i come across a journal
a photo
a cold
harsh
jolt
back into my own past

i wasn't always
the attention whore
i am now

i had tears once
i had cuts on my wrists
slices deep
blood trickling down my breasts
drank down chemicals
in attempts
more numerous
than i can fully
remember

the local EMTs
all knew my
name
and address

(which ought to tell you
something)

there was
more
to me
than fishnets
and
slutty
flirtatious
comments
flung over
my shoulder

more
to me
than short skirts
and perfect makeup

i actually
didn't dare
wear skirts
but only big
baggy
jeans
and band shirts
several sizes
too big
to hide the body
i was
embarrassed
and disgusted
to call
my own

i was told
that i
would be loved
for my mind
in those days
for my
intelligence

but
i faltered

i was locked away
in a world
of white
and
sterility

i was shot up
with drugs
and played test rat
with medications
newly out
and not
fully
understood

i went
from the focused
talented
brilliant girl
of 14
with a budding
and slender
body
and a sharpness of wit
that even
won
awards
in statewide tests
and with
the ability
to mostly
cover up
the pain
and anger
from a rape
that went unreported
and a government
that failed
to protect her
in other words
the knack
of smiling
and bearing
it
alone

to
an insecure
fat
no wait
"pleasantly plump"
teen
with a cracked heart
and broken spirit
who saw nothing
for herself
but death
who could
no longer
keep up with her classmates
simply
because
she was too depressed
to care
a girl
who blamed herself
fully
for her raped
allowed herself
to be victimized
was hurt
over
and over
until the concept
of sex
was frightening
and unwelcome
overmedicated
and
unnoticed
just locked away
in an adult ward
with women
who tried
to save her soul
and men
who tried
to violate it
and
of course
nurses
who turned
the other
way

then
it was on
to a program
filled with teens
who would attack
and scream
and get restrained
shot full of benadryl
as they howled
fury
as i watched
eyes wide
tears flowing
ushered away
and told
to quit my crying
to stop being weak
and be
a
role model
i hardened my heart
and learned
how to hide
my emotions
learned where
i could feel steel
against my flesh
and not
get
caught
how
to throw up my food
and never
be
confronted on it
i flirted with boys
and judged myself
on their responses
decided
how valuable i was
according
to their
attentions

i
was rarely
the one
they looked it

then
away from that program
and onto the next
a long term
this was
2 years
away from
my school
my friends
a life
that meant
normalcy
to me
i learned how
to choose my enemies
and my friends
how
to keep to myself
and why
that was safest
why i should hide
the deepest
darkest
most painful parts
of my memories
or
they would return
and burn me
hotter
and more furious
than before
i forgot
how
to have
fun
how to be
a child
(did i ever
really
know?)

i scoffed
at things
like proms
and yearbooks
but
secretly
i just wanted
to be
like
everyone
else
enjoying a life
out
from behind
the bars
of depression
and
anxiety

eventually
i got my own place
moved away
from kids
my own age
to a building
full
of crack whores
and heroin addicts
i was
the youngest
there
and one
of only
four
women
with ten men
hovering
between sanity
and lack
thereof
always watching
around every corner

i had my place broken into
before
and
only
three months ago
i made the mistake
of trusting
a guy
enough
to let him in
and i
suffered for my mistake

sleeping
is so hard now
every dream
is tainted
by
nightmares
that are fully
based
in reality

i quit school
because i could
no longer
support myself
going to school
and i got a job
working
in a mall
for a bunch
of rich kids
who never will understand
what "need"
really
means

i would walk home
until
it became
unsafe
for me

now
i hate
to be alone
because
i fear
the shadows
and the possibility
of what
might hide
within

i got off my medicines
and
stopped
eating for a while
became
thinner
and more attractive
began to dress
more to suit
my body
instead of camouflage it
and i got
stuck
between slut
and innocent-
my life
became a whirl
of being lusted after
until it disgusted me
and again
i began
to rely on others
to tell me
to show me
it was worth
making it through
the day

i had a Master
whom i loved
very deeply
very truly
and i was his slave
ready to give everything
be anything
until
i saw
he was unwilling
to even pick up a phone
and call me
i trusted
and again
trust
was broken
when i discovered
he was lying to me
about me

and now
i am
passionately
in love
with a boy
much like me
a poet
a dreamer
and i'm trying
to trust
without worry
we harmonize
it's true
but i'm
still
afraid
he'll come to his senses
and decide
to pack his bags
and disappear

when i am no longer
loved

i will
be nothing

that is what
my heart
still tells me

and
i still don't really
go out
have fun
do kid stuff

i study
i write
i work
i clench my teeth
and smile
and pretend
my lack
of childhood
doesn't matter

but it does
it does

and i want
to cry
and feel
release
but
i am no longer
programmed
to do so

sometimes
i wonder
if i
am really
alive
or if
by now
i'm just going through
the motions
of
life