Change and Evolve

First off, my apologies…this is not a poem. I am somewhat writing this against my will, but I believe there is someone out there who may benefit from reading it. When I joined this site a few years ago, my life was pretty different. I was in a very dark place, suicidal feelings and severe depression every single day. Needless to say, sometimes people can change for the better when they are desperate enough. I really don’t know where to begin, or how to explain everything cohesively, but I’ll try to keep it short and to the point.As I said, my mind was in a very dark place for many years, drugs and sex, hate and violence were the norm. I grew to hate just about everything. Through the media and through life experience, everything I saw, heard and read was translated into something negative. To be sure, this world and society is quite fucked in a multitude of ways. Eventually, I reached the conclusion that in order to continue in this world, changes needed to be made because I could not sustain my life heading down the path of hatred. Having a lack of healthy alternatives, I decided to put my faith in God. Of course, this was incredibly difficult for someone who hated everything, and blamed God for much of what was wrong in society. Through trial and error, relapses and mental anguish, I have broken free of my old self enough to write this story. Rest assured, I am still learning and many days are a challenge, but I feel lead to convey what God wants me to say in my limited understanding of how he works. The keys lie in trust, faith, prayer, selflessness and a willingness to be changed. Every day is a new challenge, reading about God’s principles every morning is a great way to begin your day. It allows a chance to ‘hear’ the way God wants you to live, and often the principles are perfectly apt for the challenges that will arise that day. Follow this by praying sincerely, not for yourself but for other people in your life who are hurting. Yes, the list can be quite lengthy, as most everyone I know sure needs more peace and help, but put other needs before your own. After, pray sincerely for your own needs in life and trust God will find ways, usually unexpected ways, to ease the pain or problems. Bear in mind, God does not operate on the same timetable as the rest of us, and patience and endurance are a big part of the process. When your problem finally does get resolution, or begins to change at least, if feels well worth the wait, even though the wait surely sucked and tested your resolve. God seems to test us frequently, to make us grow dependent on him, and to create a closer relationship. The door is always open, but the more we make poor decisions based on haste, arrogance, desire, greed and selfishness, the longer the pathway back to a decent life. Consequences to our actions are very real; maintain focus on living the right way and you will cut down on the negative. Yes, a lot of God’s principles are just generally good principles to live by, even if you don’t believe in a higher power, but the comfort of knowing you are being divinely assisted is an invaluable addition, as your own mind will often fail you in times of distress and hardship, of which there seems to be an ample supply. Yes, there is much hypocrisy committed by people who profess to follow God, but you should not hold God accountable for the indiscretions of weak people. It can be very disillusioning I agree, but maintain your own high standards and let God deal with hypocrites. I readily admit, I still make mistakes, still have dark thoughts pulling me back, still crave the old life at times, as it does offer much allure for things we all lust for time to time. Each step backward means extra steps forward need to be taken, consequences are a bitch. Some days are a struggle, some are pleasantly rewarding. Never knowing what each day will bring is a great reason to begin your day reading God’s words and praying for guidance and wisdom. Since I changed my ways and way of viewing life and God, life hasn’t gotten any easier, but I am much more equipped to handle each challenge. Try hard to make consistently good decisions and leave the details to God.  Try to help those less fortunate and those around you in need; whether family, friend or stranger. Try!  I know life is a great challenge and expect many more trials to suddenly appear in my life. I know the past darkness will continue to nag, most likely until I die. I know there will be reasons for me to hate again, both God and mankind, but my life is finally on a path to better things, and new opportunities continue to present themselves in ways I never would have expected.  This is not something I planned on sharing with the world, but if it helps even one person to strive for better change, I think it worthwhile. And apparently so does God, as he wanted me to articulate my journey with whoever cares to read about it.   I don’t have all the tough answers to everything, don’t know why bad things happen to people who don’t seem to deserve it, don’t know why all sick people are not healed. I don’t believe we are meant to know all these things, and how arrogant is it to think we deserve to know everything anyway? Years I spent despising God for not making me privy, but I was wrong. And again, I’m sure I still have a long way to go…