my relentless fixation

suicide plays on my brain on my brain like a movie,
it dances around in my dreams,
it courses through my veins,
it calls to me,
it draws me in,
I fight and scream,
but it screams louder,
I play my guitar as loud as I can,
just trying to drown it out,
so I do what I always do,
I drop my pride and crawl back to you,
hot and sweaty,
skin against skin,
I scratch and scream,
you pull my hair and wrap your healing hands around my throat,
slowly,
   minute after minute.................
the feeling subsides,
but only for the moment,
you've saved my death for another night,
so lets kill time while time is alive,
after we've finished,
you are so afraid to fall asleep,
because you know,
come morning,
I won't be there,
I leave before the alarm goes off,
I love you,
at least I'm hoping so,
is this what love is supposed to be,
you are my world,
my insistant bleeding in the brain,
over powers my will,
we could never be,
I can't give you a perfect relationship,
but this I will promise you,
If I am still alive by tommorow,
I will call you,
and come back to you.