I Call Him Dog

His ears do offend and his nose does appall
He is built very wide, not at all very tall.
He likes sniffing bush, a real leg humper
He farts in the house, a real scent dumper.
My rug has been gnawed, pee stains on the floor
"Hey! Who put those damn scratches in the door?"
My girl came by the other day, her name's Meg
She hollered at me, "get this thing off my leg!"  
--I own an animal which resembles an honest-to-god, inbred hog
he's not a rat, a big burly cat, nothing like that
                                             ...I call him dog.
 

He has the colors of brown, gray, black and white
If he catches you off guard, it's a dreadful sight.
He escapes the yard--runs amok--because he's bored
I read a sign today: 'Poodle... Missing... REWARD!'
When he sits up it looks like a snaggle-toothed raccoon
My friends all laugh and call him a fat, nasty baboon.
I found a thief in the house who went on to beg
"Please mister, please! Get this thing off my leg."
--I own an animal which resembles an honest-to-god, inbred hog
he's not a rat, a big burly cat, nothing like that
                                             ...I call him dog.


He's not handsome at all, but to me he is a real gem
Best of friends forever, that is the way I think of him.
He's not all there and loses it for no reason or rhyme
So the neighborhood pets take losses from time to time.
Unable to swim, he sinks like a bag of rocks
"Hey! Who in hell, ripped up all of my socks?"
You can roll him around just like a small wooden keg
Someone is always shouting, "get this thing off my leg!"
--So do not be alarmed if he squeals like a farm bred hog
he's not a rat, a big burly cat, nothing like that
                                        ...I call him dog.