overdose d iscrepancies of shock:treatment

(requested repost)





one hundred different ways to tell you that i tried
as i lined myself with burning flesh
stripping my stomach like ammonia soaked wallpaper walls
waiting for the stench of the fumes to take me down
yet with the evidence that i was alive i took myself down
foamless and regurgitating the events that took place
nothing made it all go away
it all just came c r a s h i n g

down

the silence was what killed…
my sentencing, my punishment, my pain
all for me and my straightjacket mind
a gurney for the stretch of time it took to realize…
if i wanted to die before, now i could only plead with death
bribery that would simply take my body
so my soul could linger and wail

imagine if you can, an institute of decay
more alive than the floors and wood mattresses
but mimicking the attempt at a cancerous state
pulling together and feeding off each other
building to consume and wipe out
with the strategic ways of a dust bunny

4 a.m.

vital signs

the screeching, screaming
the yelling, howling
twenty-four hour suicide watch
banging and thumping because the lights are too bright
and it’s stabbing at your nerves like a coat hanger
s c r a t c h i n g
like flies and needles

in my sanctuary of plastic pillows and hospital blankets
hidden eyes and forget-me-nots
because in there all i could do was remember
tracing the purple veins on my arms
where they’re collapsed and bruised
into a cloudy storm of sensitivity and puke green splotches
from then on i held my arms to myself

it was safer that way
in fact if i’d had it my way
i’d have sat in my room bound to a chair for hours
but i had to hear every little thing…
the stories
the drugs
the gangbangs

the cutters, oh god the cutters
shifty eyed and routinely walking
homicidal, suicidal, nymphomaniacs
so when the toilets broke
no one asked who did it
they just picked up the pieces and

sliced

lockdown for two days
and you won’t believe how long a minute can feel
when you don’t even know when it’s passed
blank walls and barred windows
air may as well have been our marijuana
we just wanted to inhale it all whenever we could get it
if we could get it

in single file lines, off unit restriction
on level three
in a clogged shower with mildew stains
lice infested roommates and bipolar patients
abusive staff and rough nurses
ignorant doctors and a shot glass of soap

if i’d known as i watched the filthy water slide in circles
down the spider eyed drain at the center of my cubical ecstasy
that in one hundred ways i had fucked up
in one hundred minutes i was already damaged
in the blink of an eye i had just begun…

inside myself we could play house
and i’d be the mommy
i’d smile and take care of you

outside of myself we could play doctor
and i’d be the patient.
but i’m afraid doc
that i’m too eager to die
so let me smile and take care of you
and i’ll keep my hands from myself