Hungry

The night I lost my virginity he cooked me steak afterwards. We watched the Waterboy, and I wore his shirt and my panties. Give it all away. Take another mutherfuckin hit of LSD. Let all the love inside the world belong to you. Take a gun and blow my fantasies away. Loss and possession, Death and life are one. There falls no shadow where There shines no sun. Red pants and tacky glasses, a squirt gun and two girls on swings. Alcohol, drugs, seatbelts. There is Pantera in my memory. Blow jobs in the shower and donkeys laughing at me in the mirror. There are Superbowl parties and pregnancy scares to replay in my head. Comfort me. I can’t hold it all in. Heaven holds a sense of wonderment. I get caught up when the rage in me subsides. I brought you something close to me.

You are my dream. There’s nothing to do than just believe. There’s a suicide attempt changing what you said. Angry words and alcohol, so much fucking alcohol. Visiting at work and I used to live at night. Just breathe. Another day.

There’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. The days go by so fast. If you think that I could be forgiven, I wish you would.

Time after time we just kept happening.
I Hate California. I think you should.

People disappear and never reappear. They get lost on purpose and I never find them again.

I returned your shirt so long ago. Can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the Ocean; guess I should.
I hope you remembered the way it washes over your feet in the last moments. I hope you closed your eyes and prayed for the end. I hope you found peace in that final millisecond.
I hate to think of you in a field, alone. I hate to think of the stained grass and what you might have been wearing-probably some of the same clothes you’ve had since I met you. There’s nothing I can do or say-why are you running away?

Nothing that I can do, to make you change your mind-is it a waste of time?

You’re afraid.