"disillusion"

false friendships
failed relationships
you can only smile so much you know
exude that false air of
i don't know

i just don't know anymore

these words
are
the product of everything I've come to see
my past
present

future

i

i don't know
how
why

just
so
down and out
I've spent my whole life pretending to be happy
I've spent my whole life pretending to be something more
I'm tired
so tired

i sit
smile
live my life
the way its suppose to be

all those years of therapy,
medication
criticism
and
this is where it got me

i just taught myself how to make others happy
i play the role
act the part
but
its just that
a fucking act
i don't know how to be me anymore
and it scares me

truly scares me

i am the guy
the guy who isn't scared of anything
but
who am i
who the fuck am i
I've been anything but me for so long

i
I'm cold
tired
desperate

how can i get help when i don't even know who i am
how can anyone help me if all i know
all i am
is a fraud
to both myself and all those around me

I always had the answers
I'm the guy who always tells you exactly what you want to hear
but
that's not me

I'm just
just acting
i know what I'm saying is right because you think its right
but inside
i
i don't know
i never know

not anymore

it hurts so much
to think

i scare people
when I'm like this

when I'm me

I scare me

I'm so scared
of who i am
what i might be

i need help
yet
I've become so good at being what they want me to be
that to think of being anything else

its just wrong in their eyes

how is a guy they perceive to be well rounded
sane
a good head on his shoulders

how is a guy like the one i pretend to be

how is a guy like that suppose to get help

if anything

I'll be turned away
medicated
or told that i just need to accept who i am
but that's just it
I know who i pretend to be
i know who i see
but it isn't me

it isn't me

i am more than this
worst than this

I'm fucking damnable
i know its wrong
so i locked me away

but you can only smile so much...

you know